
It’s that time of year again, time to pack up the old Rambler, buckle up the kids in the back, and hit the open road for the Memorial Day Weekend. I don’t think I have met one person who hasn’t endured a road trip with your their family or friends where they didn’t have a solid lesson to pass on to fellow travelers.
Like the Griswolds packing up to head for Wally World, it seems like everyone has a wacky road trip story. Dad pops a tire and throws a tire iron through a road sign. Or your little brother may or may not have had an accident because the 80 ounces of Mountain Dew didn’t hold up too well for him after 5 hours straight.
Either way, before your family heads out, I thought about some of my fondest road trip memories. The lessons I share are not meant to scare or shock, but to merely serve as cautionary tales.
#1. More isn’t always merrier.
When I was a teenager, we traveled for hockey a lot. To keep cost down, our team would take a gigantic coach bus like most teams do. This particular trip was a lovely little 427 mile drive (insert sarcastic look) from Kansas City, Kansas to Somerset, Wisconsin.
When you have 20 teenage boys, packed into 30 foot long tube… Well you can assume the bus ride isn’t exactly a pleasure for anyone. Loud, crude, and hyped up on gas station snacks that could make Lance Armstrong diabetic; I wouldn’t wish that experience upon my worst enemy.
#2. If the sign says “No stops for next 280 miles” then stop.
If an “Ice-Road Trucker” won’t do it, neither should you. When you think it would be in the group’s best interest to volunteer for the desolate stretch between Grand Junction and the I-15 interchange in Utah, just shut your mouth, pretend to be sleeping and hope that somehow a wormhole opens that will magically transport you through the longest 280 miles of your life.

They tell you there are no stops for 280 miles for a reason! I found this out after hitting my 20th hour with no sleep, stupidly offering to take the DJ shift (make sure the driver doesn’t pass out or need another bag of Cheetos.) Two hours in, you’ll start to think the highway is taking you in circles. For a scenery lover it’s great, look another butte, and another, and another. Only then do you realize that the only way life could get any worse is if you had done it in a wagon like the settlers hundreds of years before, to which you wonder… why?
#3. Learn the definition of Insanity, so you don’t repeat a mistake.
I took the same road trip 3 years later… It was worse. 5 grown men shoved into a car should be considered a form of torture. At least with water boarding you know why your arm is wet. Playing the “who drooled on me,” game from the middle seat is about degrading as it gets.
Be smart, just say no. You know why they say try everything once? Because when it’s that bad, you should know better by the time the opportunity arrives again.
#4. You turned the AC off to save gas? Congratulations, cause everyone hates you.

If I wanted to sit in a sauna with you for 12 hours, then I would have booked us at Club Med. I’m not wearing a cut-off and from the smell of the car, neither should you. Turn the AC back on before we all leave you in some small town with no cell reception.
#5. If it looks like the town from “The Hills Have Eyes,” then get back in the car.
Drive, just keep driving. Drive as far away from possible. It looks like a ghost town for a reason. Unless you want to be the puppet in their history museum (if you can call it that) I suggest you stay away. * Note this is indeed because I have seen enough horror movies to warrant this response, don’t care how scenic it seems, it ain’t got a McDonald’s then there’s something wrong.
#6. If you’re driving first, don’t eat Cheetos, Doritos or anything that you could paint the sun with.

It’s just common courtesy. Or buy some wet wipes and clean off the wheel. You know how hard it is to drive with cheese hands? You know how much worse it is when you know the cheese isn’t from your own fingers?
#7. Forget the fuel economy, there’s a reason a Prius is a commuter car.
Mountains and a Prius don’t work after 4 hours. Why is that Sean? Are you bashing on the environmentally conscious? No, I just like facts, and if you want to test this one be my guest, if you ain’t braking, you ain’t going over 60 MPH. So you tell me how exciting it is to pass a semi, only to have half your engine power cut out directly after passing them.
#8. You’re not Ricky Bobby, so stop trying to shake and bake with me.
We’re on a highway, and last time I checked there’s no checkered flag. So stop riding people’s tails in the hopes that “drafting” off that 1992 Ford Taurus is going to make your trip go by any quicker.
#9. Mom, Dad… I love you, but NO ONE wants to see the world’s largest ball of yarn.
You can change out “ball of yarn” for anything really, biggest squirrel, oldest stump, or brightest barn, but the truth is that if it takes more than 15 minutes? You’ve lost more of my attention than you had, and if I’m a teenager? Good luck with the rest of the trip. Hi I’m your son and/or daughter named “Indignant,” have you met my sibling “Disinterest” and “Discontent?”
The one exception to the rule is if it’s the world’s largest (insert something with water that I can swim in.) Then the trip will be bearable, until you embarrass him or her in front of the cute girl/ guy, which at that point giving up on your kids altogether isn’t too bad of an option seeing as how they have given up on you.
#10. Sometimes the journey is far better than the destination, so forget your plans.
I say this with complete confidence. You can plan all you want, but as we all know, some of life’s sweetest surprises are the ones we least expect. If your friend says he needs help moving back from Gulf Shores, Alabama to Colorado? DO IT, don’t hesitate, don’t complain, do it.
You’ll pass through towns you didn’t know exist and meet people in parts of the country that you would have never thought you’d meet. This is a specific instance, but applies to any road trip experience. Sometimes you have to throw caution to the wind and just see where the road takes you. We wound up in Baton Rouge (home of the LSU Tigers) and hung out in the town for 10 hours. We met some of the friendliest people who offered us places to stay and eat, because they wanted us to have the signature “Game-day” experience.
Safe travels everyone.
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This blog is the opinion of Sean Bucher and does not necessarily reflect the opinions or beliefs of Medved Autoplex, it’s partners or subsidiaries.








